Fatherless

I last posted on this blog 7 years ago. So much life has happened from then until now.  I bought and sold a house then bought another. I’ve been called “Auntie Kristin” to a new niece and nephew. I’ve had the honor of discipling 5 women and girls. My marital status has changed back to single. I’ve traveled to 15 States I had never been to. But the most life-altering change has been the sudden passing of my Dad one week ago today. Yesterday, at his funeral, I could not contain my emotions when I walked in and saw that a room that seats 200 was standing room only with people lining the walls, the lobby, and even an overflow room. It was a testament to who my Dad was and how well he loved others. 

My grief has surprised me. It steals my breath and robs my sleep. A song, a thought, a photo can instantly make my strength give way and I’m crumpled on the floor.  It cares not for where I am or what I am doing. It pours hot tears that seem to never end and just as harshly it numbs as if I’m an empty shell. It slows my brain and leaves me in a fog. It is unforgiving and raw. 

Over the past 6 months, Jesus has been teaching me about Himself as the Bridegroom. He asked me to spend 6 months in intentional singleness as He gently and graciously helped me unlearn some views I held about marriage and a husband’s role. He has shown me how He longs to be the only One that comforts my lonely heart. The 6-month period ended 6/12/2023.  My Dad died 6/11/2023. I don’t yet understand the significance of that. But I know God is purposeful. 

This left me feeling completely abandoned. I have been all too aware that my siblings are all married and have someone to hold them as they cry themselves to sleep over the deep loss of Dad. I have wanted to speak truth to my mom and help shoulder her immense pain. But I can’t. I have found it so very difficult to speak of the hope that I have. I know the truth but I have not wanted to hear it. For days I left the room when others would laugh and share memories of Dad. I cringed every time someone told me he was in a better place. It’s true. He is in a much better place. And I’m grateful that as I sat on a hospital room floor and begged God to put life back into my Dad that He gave me the strength to pray for my selfish heart. I once asked my Dad that if he died would he want me to pray for God to raise him back to life. He quickly and decidedly replied, “No.” 

Today is Father’s Day. I thought about the word “orphan.” I’ve always understood this word to mean a child without parents. But in Scripture in the original Hebrew and Greek languages it is better translated as “fatherless.”  My mom is incredible and has loved me and cared for me and sacrificed so much for me. But there is something about a Father. A Father is the gatekeeper of the home. A Father protects his family from the storms. A Father leads his family through challenges and teaches them to stand firm. My Heavenly Father generously gifted me with an incredible earthly father. And while I know there are many days ahead that grief will take over, I can confidently say I am not Fatherless. My Father has given me strength for each day. For every task that has needed to be done, He has enabled me to accomplish it. He has put a little more light in each day and I find rest in the truth that He will continue to sustain me. God’s goodness to make me a daughter of Marc Singletary shows me that He works everything for my good and I can trust Him.