Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Gaining Wisdom is Seldom Easy

At 19 years old I was diagnosed with having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  My doctor told me it would be almost impossible for me to get pregnant.  Pregnancy was the last thing on my mind at 19.  I was in my first year of college and excited for my future.  I remember being disappointed at the news, but not really understanding the impact of it.
Fast forward 5 years and I started my Korean adventure.  There are side-effects of my condition that remind me that it is still present in my life, but nothing that would hinder me from living life to the fullest.  Then on June 22, 2012 I met my husband.
I remember telling him after we had gotten serious and were discussing our future together about my PCOS.  His response didn't surprise me and in fact it gave me a sense of hope.  He told me that God will give us what we ask of Him.  I smiled and was relieved that he didn't seem concerned about it, although I have to admit there was doubt.  I have heard my husband say this many times before and I have challenged him on the theology of it as well.  But what he means is simple.  He takes God at His word.  His faith is unwavering and he trusts God to provide for our every need.  He doesn't have trouble presenting his requests to God by prayer and petition and with thanksgiving.  He is obedient to scripture and trusts God's promises.
We were married at the Nigerian Embassy in Seoul, South Korea on March 27, 2013. During our premarital/marital counseling the wife of the couple we were doing our counseling with asked me if I had any female problems.  I revealed to her the diagnosis I had received a decade before and she suggested that they lay their hands on me and pray for me.  When she and my new husband finished praying for me she said to me that I was healed.  I was excited and trusted in the power of prayer and the promises of my God.  I made the decision to not doubt, but to choose to trust God over the doctors.  To put my future in the hands of the great physician.
We celebrated our wedding on November 17, 2013 and I knew that I wanted to immediately try to have a baby. In February I began charting and tracking and detailing the condition of my body.  In January I learned that my youngest sister was pregnant with her second. I thought how fun it would be to be pregnant with my sister.  Then a few weeks later my other younger sister announced she is pregnant with her fourth.  I could hardly contain my excitement at the thought of being pregnant at the same time as both of my sisters.  I daydreamed all about it. Then the time came to take the first pregnancy test.  It was negative.
I knew that it was unlikely that I would get pregnant the first month we started trying, but then the tests were negative in March and April and May.  And then I learned of two other friends that are pregnant.
I started reading blogs and doing research and planning that when the health insurance kicks in I'll go to the doctor.  Then unaware friends ask when we are going to start trying.  And because I know their hearts and intentions I resist the urge to scream, cry, or hash out every detail to them so I reply, when God is ready, I am ready.
My tears became daily and my hope became small.  My husband would remind me that God's timing is perfect.  And there would be moments that God would show me that I need to be thankful for this time in my life.  But the sadness lingers and the uncertainty of the outcome is no small thought.
Despite the pain, I want to learn something through all of this.  I know I am only at the beginning of this process.  I anticipate many more months of negatives and more hardships resulting from my disappointment.  However, I refuse to walk this journey without gaining wisdom.
I am choosing to see every negative test as a blessing.  A negative test means more time with my husband, it means more opportunities to sleep in.  Seeing one line instead of two means I can be free to serve God in ways a mother just can't.  The absence of a pink plus means I can give more of my time, energy, and finances to God.  What a blessing.
So now I have to respond to the call.  I have to dry my tears and take a deep breath.  I have to run to Him the moment the doubt returns.  Because this I know is true, God is better than a baby.  So I will rejoice even if He chooses not to give one to us.  And while I am surrounded by pregnant women, I will choose to serve them, not envy them.  I will wait my turn, and trust my God because hope does not disappoint.

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