I Didn’t Know

 We buried my Dad today. After the prayers were prayed and the scriptures were read, after the flowers were lovingly placed in the grave and all the banana pudding was eaten and everyone had gone home, I stood with my mom and confessed that I didn’t want to bury Dad. I wanted him to stay  in the power supply box on her dresser. She asked me why I hadn’t said anything sooner and my response was, I didn’t know. 

Since my Dad’s death I keep thinking of all the things I didn’t know. I didn’t know the last time I saw him would be the last time. I didn’t know how painful losing him would be. I didn’t know how to comfort my friends who had lost a parent before I became someone that lost a parent. I didn’t know I could be rude to perfectly nice strangers that ask me how my day is going. I didn’t know burying my Dad would feel so final. I didn’t know my grief would turn me into someone I don’t recognize. 

I’ve always enjoyed the crowds and “working a room.” I can make people laugh. I can sit and listen and offer encouragement and insight and at times even wisdom. In other challenging times in my life I’ve been able to apply the truths that are rooted deep in my heart and find the hope, joy and peace that the Lord promised to those that are in Him. 

The past two weeks have shown me in a new way that the Lord is my strength.  I’ve done hard things before and called out to Him for help. I’ve walked through painful valleys and reminded myself of His faithfulness.  I’ve been broken-hearted and known that I’m being refined or pruned or prepared for a greater purpose. But these past two weeks I’ve had nothing to give. I’ve not been able to preach the truth to my wounded heart. I’ve not wanted to be around people or carry anyone’s burdens. And the Lord has met me here. You see, God knows me. He knows when I need to pull away and sit quietly and He knows when I need to be hugged and encouraged. He knows when it’s hard for me to pray so He reminds others to. He knows all the things I didn’t know. Psalm 139 makes more sense to me now. I’m encouraged by verses such as “O Lord you have searched me and you know me.” Or, “you perceive my thoughts from afar.” And, “you are familiar with all my ways.” When I don’t recognize myself, He knows me. When I struggle to walk in truth instead of emotions, He guides me. When I am unable to love and serve others the way I used to, He cares for them. 

I still have much to learn about faith and God and how to live a life in full surrender to Him. But what a gift it is to know that He knows me and the condition of my heart even when I can’t articulate it.  He carries me and is with me and will remind me of who I am.